A text from my Mom

“Etudiez bien.. 

Tu sais? Chaque fois je pries, je demande au Dieu. Donnez-moi une longe vie.

Je veux bien te guider et regarder ton succes de ton futur.

… si Dieu le veut, je veux assister A ton mariage..”

Study hard..

You know? Everytime I pray, I ask God. Please give me a long life. 

I want to guide you and watch your success in your future. 

If God’s willing for it, I will attend your wedding..                                                                                                        

– A text from my Mom.

....

I don’t know how this message will be delivered to you, since you don’t have a blog and.. you know how hard it is for me to express my feeling properly to you or anyone else. I can barely speak sugar-coated things to you and do sweet things  like other daughters do, but believe me, this is my way to share my thoughts, my deepest feeling without someone urges me to do it. Well, maybe I’m just hoping that someone will tell you about this post and ask you to read it so you’ll know what I feel. (But after that, please act like nothing happens and don’t ask me any further about this thing. Cause I’m gonna be really embarrassed.)

The only thing you should always remember, whether you know it or not, is the fact that I love you more than anyone else in the world, in a way that how Romeo killed himself because of losing Juliet can’t even compare to how big is my love to you. I might not be able to always cheer you up, not be able to take care of you like you take care of me all the time, lie and hurt you in some way I might not even realize, but it’s still the truth you shouldn’t forget.

You know how crybaby your daughter is and yet you still send me a text like that. I cry easily and I can’t even hide the fact that I’m writing this post with blurry eyes, wondering what I should say to you instead of “Oui Maman. Je comprends.” You don’t know how much I care and how much I want to tell you things in order to comfort you, but I guess those things are my weak points. I’m a living paradox, don’t you think? I talk, read, write and understand languages so well, but I cannot express my feelings easily. My bad.

Mom, I don’t want to imagine how much it hurts to lose you. It may sound like a demand for you, but please be here always. Don’t even think about going away and leave me here, Mom. I may be strong enough to stand still, but the broken pieces in my heart will never be fixed. I may procrastinate and act tough, but nights will turn to be my biggest enemy… No, no. Just thinking of it will make me burst into tears even more and I can’t risk my eyes to be puffed because I need to study for tomorrow’s examination. So, maybe I’m just going to skip the ‘galau’ part and revealthe words I’ve been wanting to tell you.

…Thank you. Thank you for infinite times, Mother. For times when you act like you don’t care but actually worry about my condition, times when you support me like no one does, and times when I act like a burden yet you always forgive me. There’s no way I can give back all the things you’ve given me, but still I believe I can make you proud. So yes, I’m not going to the battlefield for nothing on behalf of you. And that’s my priority, beside of living my life for myself.
I believe the kind of love you give to me is the purest, the one that wish nothing but the best for my life and my happiness. And that’s what I’ve been trying to give you all this time. 
Please stand in the spotlight where I can always see you, Mom.

Much love from your only daughter,
ZJA